How to Set Boundaries That Actually Work With Your Emerging Adult

When parents of emerging adults come to me, they’re usually exhausted. They’ve tried everything: threats, lectures, rewards, and reminders, and nothing seems to stick.

They say things like:

“I’ve told her to get a job, but she won’t.”
“He says he’ll go to therapy, but then he doesn’t.”
“I just want them to do something.”

And I get it. I’m a mom of five adult children between 20-late 30s.
And here’s what I tell them every single time:

You don’t control their behavior.

What you do control are three incredibly important things:

1. How you’re showing up in the relationship
2. What you’re willing to provide beyond age 18
3. How you respond to their choices and behavior

When your focus is entirely on changing them, getting them to act, move, follow through, it creates more tension and less trust. When you shift your focus inward and begin to lead with clarity and calm, everything changes.

Boundaries Are Not About Controlling Them

We often think of boundaries as something we place on someone else, but the boundaries that work, the ones that hold, are actually the ones we place on ourselves.

Ask yourself:

What kind of parent do I want to be in this situation?
Not “How do I get them to change?”
But “Who do I need to be, regardless of what they’re doing?”

That mindset shift is powerful because it returns the focus to the only place you truly have control… yourself.

For example:

Instead of saying, “You have to get a job by next month or you’re out,” you might say, “I’ve decided I’m no longer willing to financially support someone who isn’t actively looking for work. I’ll be adjusting my support starting next month.”

See the difference? One is reactive and fear-based. The other is calm, clear, and self-directed.

Let the Shift Start With You

You get to decide how you show up.
You get to choose what kind of support you offer (or no longer offer).
And you get to set boundaries you can actually follow through on.

Because when your boundaries are grounded in your own values, not their behavior, they become sustainable. And over time, they start to create real change in the relationship.

So the next time you’re tempted to think, “How do I get them to...?”
Pause.
Breathe.
And ask instead, “How do I want to show up as a parent at this moment?”

That’s where your power is.

If you’re ready to shift from controlling to leading, without the power struggles, join us inside the Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults group. We’re here to help you parent with clarity and confidence.