Is It Unreasonable to Ask Your College-Aged Child Not to Smoke Marijuana at Home?

A mom recently reached out to me with a heartfelt and honest question:

“Is it unreasonable to ask my daughter to come up with a Plan B for where to live this summer if she continues to smoke marijuana in our home?”

She went on to explain that her 20-year-old daughter, who performs well academically and plays Division 1 sports, appears to be smoking marijuana daily. Before coming home last summer, the expectation was clear: no smoking in the family home. Her daughter agreed. But just a few weeks in, she was caught smoking in her bedroom at 10 a.m.

The mom described feeling heartbroken—not just about the marijuana use, but about the disrespect and dishonesty that followed. Her daughter lied, tried to mask the smell with perfume, and ultimately broke the one boundary that had been clearly set.

Fast forward to spring break—it happened again. The pattern repeated. The lie, the smell, the disappointment. And this time, the mom told her daughter, “You are always welcome here, but if it happens again, you’ll need a Plan B for where to stay.”

So… is that unreasonable?

Let me be very clear: No, it is not unreasonable.

You, as a parent, have every right to decide what is and is not acceptable in your home. Setting boundaries around drug use is not only reasonable—it’s healthy, responsible, and appropriate. Especially when the boundary has been clearly communicated and broken more than once.

That said, I want to gently challenge the idea that this is purely about disrespect.

In many cases, young adults who use substances regularly—especially alone—aren’t being intentionally disrespectful. They’re trying to meet a need, manage discomfort, or cope with something they may not fully understand themselves.

In this case, I encourage the mom (and any parent in a similar position) to shift from feeling disrespected to feeling curious:

• Why is my daughter smoking alone, even when it risks her scholarship and her place at home?
• What emotional or mental health need is this substance meeting for her?
  What’s going on underneath the behavior I’m seeing?

This doesn’t mean the behavior is acceptable. It just means we approach the conversation with concern, not just correction.

Try something like:

“I’m concerned about your health. I know I can’t stop you from using marijuana, but it’s not allowed in our home. When I said you needed a Plan B, I meant it—and I need you to take that seriously.”

Boundaries only work when we follow through. If you’re going to make that request, be ready to hold it. Empty threats will only weaken your position and strain your relationship further.

So parents—if this is something you’re dealing with, especially with college students returning home for the summer, now is the time to get clear.

Decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate it with calm confidence. And follow through with love and clarity.

You are not being unreasonable.
You’re being a parent.

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