When Adult Children Lie and Come Home: Should You Ask Them to Pay You Back?

A parent recently wrote to me:

“We have a 23-year-old daughter who’s living with us again after lying about attending university. She’s since come clean, is working two jobs, and trying to start fresh. She owes us for months of expenses while she wasn’t really in school. Should we ask her to pay us back—or wait and hope she does the right thing?”

This question is one that many parents of emerging adults face in some form. Trust has been broken. Emotions are raw. And now you're trying to figure out:
What’s fair?
What’s wise?
What’s next?

Let’s talk through it—honestly and practically.

Start With Intuition, Not Just Logic

Before anything else, I always encourage parents to pause and ask: What is your gut telling you? Not your fear. Not your guilt. Not even your anger. But your intuition.

You know your child better than anyone.
You know whether they’re truly trying—or still manipulating.
You know whether this is a time for structure—or for grace.

Use that internal compass first.

The Power of a Family Living Agreement

Regardless of whether your child has lied, floundered, or is genuinely trying again, one thing I recommend for every situation like this is a family living agreement.

This written agreement outlines:

• What you’re willing to provide (housing, meals, transportation, etc.)
• What you expect in return (rent, chores, curfews, communication)
• Clear terms for contributions or financial expectations
• Non-negotiables—like substance use or overnight guests

The goal? To make the unspoken rules clear—so everyone understands what’s expected.

In your case, you might choose to:

• Set a modest rent now and apply it toward what she owes you
• Forgive the past debt, but begin collecting rent moving forward
• Use rent payments to create a future deposit fund for her independence

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But there is a better way to structure things than guessing or hoping it improves.

Get on the Same Page Before You Sit Down

Before you have this conversation with your daughter, talk it through with your partner (if applicable). Decide:

• What’s negotiable, and what’s not
• What you need to feel respected in your home
• What financial contributions you’re expecting—and why

Go into the conversation clear and united.

Need Support Creating Structure and Boundaries at Home?

If your emerging adult is living at home—or returning soon—and you're unsure how to navigate rent, rules, trust, or expectations, you’re not alone.

Inside my Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults Support Group, we talk about these situations every single week. You’ll get guidance, real-time support, and a community of parents who understand what you’re going through.

👉 Click here to join the support group. You don’t have to parent this phase alone.