Why We Need to Stop Calling Young Adults “Failure to Launch”

Can we stop calling a struggling 19-year-old a “failure to launch”?

I understand why parents use the phrase. Your son or daughter may be sleeping most of the day, gaming or scrolling late into the night, using marijuana regularly, and showing very little interest in making plans for the future. From a parent's perspective, it can feel like everyone else is moving forward while your child is standing still.

But when parents come to me and describe an 18-, 19-, 20-, or 21-year-old as “failure to launch,” I think we need to be much more careful with that label.

We're talking about a young person who still has a great deal of developing and maturing ahead of them. A lack of direction at 20, even when it's combined with unhealthy coping mechanisms, isn't the same thing as deciding that this young person has somehow failed at adulthood.

The language we use makes a difference, especially when we're trying to understand why an emerging adult feels stuck.

Look at What's Contributing to the Problem

In my work with parents of emerging adults, particularly those between roughly 18 and 30, I've noticed several issues coming up repeatedly. Every family is different, but there are three areas I encourage parents to pay attention to.

1. The amount of time spent on screens

For some emerging adults, hours of gaming, scrolling, and consuming online content have become their primary way of spending the day. Social media also creates endless opportunities for comparison. They're watching other people appear to succeed while they feel increasingly behind in their own lives.

When so much of someone's time and attention stays in the digital world, engaging with the outside world can become increasingly difficult.

2. Social struggles that intensified during the COVID years

I've also worked with parents of young adults who never seemed to fully recover socially after the isolation of the pandemic. Important years for building relationships, independence, confidence, and social skills were disrupted.

For some emerging adults, re-entering the world hasn't been as simple as parents expected it to be.

3. Frequent marijuana use

The third pattern I see is regular marijuana use, sometimes daily or multiple times a day.

I think parents need to be willing to take this seriously. When an emerging adult is already isolated, anxious, unmotivated, or struggling to function and is also using marijuana heavily, that deserves attention rather than being dismissed as harmless.

If substance use has become part of how your son or daughter copes with everyday life, it may need to be addressed before meaningful progress can happen.

You Still Can't Force Them to Change

This is where parenting an emerging adult becomes incredibly difficult.

You can recognize that gaming is a problem, but you cannot physically make another adult stop gaming. You can be concerned about marijuana use, but you cannot control whether your son or daughter chooses to smoke. You can desperately want them to get out of the house, meet people, work, or go back to school, but you cannot create that motivation for them.

Trying harder to control those things usually leaves parents exhausted.

Instead, I encourage parents to bring their attention back to the areas where they still have influence.

Ask yourself how you're showing up in the relationship. Are most of your interactions becoming criticism, lectures, or reminders about everything they're not doing? Or are you able to remain connected while still being honest about what needs to change?

Then look carefully at what you're providing. Once your child is an adult, you have choices about the financial, physical, and emotional support you're willing to continue offering. You can support your emerging adult without automatically supporting every behavior or lifestyle choice.

Finally, pay attention to how you're responding. Their choices may frustrate or frighten you, but escalating every time they make a decision you disagree with rarely moves the relationship forward.

Those three areas: how you show up, what you're willing to provide, and how you respond - are your work to do.

Your Emerging Adult Is Still Becoming an Adult

If your 20-year-old doesn't know what they want to do with their life yet, that doesn't mean they'll never figure it out.

If they're struggling today, it doesn't mean they're destined to remain stuck. There may be real problems that need attention. Screen habits, isolation, substance use, mental health challenges, and a lack of direction shouldn't simply be ignored. But we can acknowledge those concerns without defining a young person by them.

Before you call your son or daughter a “failure to launch,” take a closer look at what's actually happening. Then bring your attention back to the part of the situation where you have the most influence: your own role in the relationship.

If you're navigating this stage of parenting and want practical guidance along the way, I'd love to invite you to join my Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults group. Together, we focus on building healthier relationships through clear boundaries, calm leadership, and supportive community.